This is a very honest and candid post. I have wanted to post this for some time now and I guess after watching this You Tube clip, I finally saw that my fears are not out of the ordinary and what I am feeling is actually normal - hey if these pros have the same fears then it must be right?
See, I have no fear of spiders or bugs, I do have a slight fear in heights but my biggest fears are the fear of failure, the unknown and last and the biggest is being alone.
Due to the length of these entries, I have decided to split it into 3 parts. This one is about the Fear of Failure.
My fear of failure stems from my childhood and being Chinese, the pressure to be the best was driven into us (Chinese kids) since we could count from 1 to 10. All Chinese families strive for their children to the the top of the class, now when you have an entire class of Chinese kids, can you imagine the stress we have about being on top?!
My earliest memories are not pleasant ones unfortunately. I remember this particular day - I wasn't able to memorise my times-tables correctly and all I could remember was my mum being disappointed in me. Now being Chinese (born and grew up in Malaysia until I was 9), you would know your 1 through to 12 times-tables (multiplies) before you would start school. So before the age of 5, I knew them off the top of my head. I still do my mathematics in Chinese (in my head). I find it quicker and now, for the life of me, cannot do any maths if you ask me to say it out loud (in English). Now, what my parents did was not out of the ordinary (for Chinese families) so no need for alarm bells or the need to call anyone to report it, it was just a way of life.
This is why Chinese kids are so good at maths, we know maths before we start school. My fear of failure is not only letting myself down but more importantly - my parents. Whenever we would receive our report cards from school, it would always be the question of "What were you placed in class?" - In Malaysia, all students within a class were placed in rankings. This ranking system would be determined by your homework, tests and exams. I would always be placed in top 3. Top 3 was a pretty big deal but there was extra pressure to be number 1. This meant that you were the smartest in the class and no one else is better than you. From memory, I had been placed in more 2nd positions than 1st or 3rd. I felt that unless I was placed 1st, I was not good enough for my parents and I had failed them in all the sacrifices they had made.
When we first arrived in Australia in 1990, I was struggling with the language and when my parents found out that I was placed in ESL (English as Second Language), they made it clear that I was not to stay in this class for long and I had to study extra hard on the side to get into mainstream English. Mind you, I excelled in maths and was top of the class for Grade 4 that they had to put me into Grade 5/6 maths as I was getting 100% on everything. I did study extra hard in English and did manage to prove to the teachers that I could read and write at a normal Australian level and proved to them (my parents) that I was not a failure.
When I came to Melbourne from living in Papua New Guinea (93-97) for Yr11, my parents made me promise that I would excel in my studies and prove to them that bringing the whole family out of Malaysia was not a waste of money and time. I made sure that I studied hard whilst defending for myself as I was out in Melbourne away from my family. Not only did I have to do well in school, I had a part time job of 20hours/week in order to not burden my parents with the need for financial support. Prior to the release of our Yr12 ENTER scores, I was so stressed that I had failed my parents that I started to look into what I could do after Yr12. Questions in my head were raised - should I have concentrated more on my studies? Did I make the right choices in working to not burden my parents? When I received a score of 95.45, I cried.
Fast forward some years later, this fear of failure is still present in my (triathlon) life. I don't like to fail, especially in front of people. I don't like being laughed at and I don't like to be made a fool. My first ever triathlon would be classified as a failure. It was a disaster from the start (the swim) and that failure drove me to join a triathlon squad to prove to myself that I could finish and finish well. This was in 2010 and believe it or not, I am still proving to myself that I deserve to still do this sport and that I am good enough to be called a triathlete. Not only do I have a fear of failure as a triathlete, I also have a fear of failure as a coach. If I don't do well in my training, my races and also during my coaching sessions, am I really good enough for this sport, do I give it enough respect and also to represent Tri Alliance? Am I a good enough coach if I am not the best in the squad? Am I a good enough triathlete if I just participate in these events rather than having a good crack and actually race one?
My fear of failure is not great for my self confidence. This must change for me to do well in the sport and to push beyond my comfort zone. Coach Greg, Sarah, Ollie and recently my family (yeah, I know, Asian parents encouraging their daughter in sports - rare) have been great in instilling my abilities and always encouraging me to excel beyond what I think are my limits.
I have been told by others that I need to trust in myself, instill some self-belief that my consistent training will allow me to succeed in my triathlon races.
Train. Trust. Succeed.
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